Fantasies and Realities

On the occasion
of an emotional trauma
and opportunity;
It was Friday
in Montreal
and I was adoring.

They made me giggle,
They made me want;
and I do not like
desiring
in principle.

I am too old
for the second decade
I thought, haven't felt that
in a long time.

I did not want to wrap myself up;
Smiling is one thing,
but to lose living essence
because of an urging need
was somehow yucky to me.

I would rather get to bed
at an hour
free of indelicacy
and run up Mont Royal
until I puke
(which I did).

But that night I had a dream;
A dream about a large Amazonian
who I was turned off
by size.
But as she walked to the door
of an East Kildonan patio
she somehow became smaller
and I loved her for it.
The grinding of bodies before
we went inside didn't hurt either.
I don't understand it.

Crazier than that:
it was a church, maybe a wedding,
I was unsure
(Sometimes omittance is strategic).
So why were all the friends
of past lovers there to greet me?

As I walked down
towards the alter there she was,
a lost friend playing the piano
her dark lanuga
enhanced skin smiling at me,
even though she wasn't.

I was excited
to bring you a present,
but you walked right by us,
now in a black nylon skirt
that one would find
at Walmart.
No smile, no smile,
walked right by us in a black bra,
no anger, a small resentment,
just walked right by us.

And then I awoke,
feeling confused,
thinking that I somehow
fell in love over the course
of a dream.
Really, it felt like that.

Bringing myself to understand
that it was only a dream,
I laughed, but no joy emanated,
just a sense of unrequitedness.

Since then,
I have been filled
with a pathetic sorrow;
a longing for someone
I don't even really know.
Someone hidden to the world,
emotions held tight,
to never melt in me.