I once knew a girl whose lover
told me that in all her glorious loving
all she knew was distance
And I loved her too
But I do not want that
out of love
I want love and the duty
to deny such distance,
to try and broach
the unbreachable tarnish
of the golden rule
Distance if destroyed
for moments, can touch
of the glorious proportion
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5 comments:
Do unto other as you would want done unto you.
crimony, this is some good stuff! some of yr best ever that i've seen.
HOWEVER (still lovin' it), i feel like at a few points (particularly last few lines) you slip back into that carlos-speak that we all know and love, but that doesn't necessarily translate well into poetry. "touch of the glorious proportion"... i like it, it has a certain resonance, but what does it mean? does it maintain the same theme/imagery? i'd say no, it doesn't.
i'm not trying to be overly critical here-- i'm just saying "refine it".
as you once phrased it to me, when a prizefighter is getting close to fighting the perfect match, then you can start micro-analyzing his performance-- i.e. you let yr guard down for 5 seconds in round 3.
so i'm micro-analyzing here, i guess.
but i really like these last two. keep pushing.
I`m trying to wrap my head around it. Long distance lesbian couple who one confides in the author?
yeah, i agree. again, not to micro-analyze (or, to do just that), but the imagery is a bit obtuse. i don't quite understand what the "narrative" is, if there is one.
i like the "single effect" rule. all images/metaphors/ideas lead towards one conclusion or climax at the end. a very "male" way of writing is the po-mo critique on this, too hemmingway-esque, but it's effective.
so what's the single effect here?
ha ha ha! dude... i'm only busting yr hump here b/c i think this is really good.
seriously.
The best kind of love you can give is the kind that doesn't expect anything in return.
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