Welcome to My Menagerie
Flaccid Aphasia
(Diamond Mirth Mix)
Between the slender locks
Within our eyes
Lashed out so brightly coiled
Craving a quaint drop of translucent milk
The bosom in which they draw from
The bosom in which they blossom
The cerulean waters so clear and lonesome
Cold as the mirror imitates
Mimicking as shadows do
Like a dog without a home or virtue
She holds the same notes
Condemned to play the same melody
Within an elated prism
Like a polyphonic requiem
For she cannot recall or fathom
What else I taught her to execute
I hold the notes dear
As my euphoria resides in the dew
Laid out like a surrendered honeysuckle
On the same placid keys
Coveted like a rhythmic redemption
I seize and swallow it like a supplicant
The skinny tiny dogs devour
The apples left along the path
Of the ever onward trees
Like an incantation of howls and whimpers
They blissfully run to their lush confides
It’s a mere fantastic note to add
To a dry symphony
Immersed in the pools
We have all once drowned within
Pools of oil, water, and fire
Staring at a blank gaze
And still the melody never gets old
It still satisfies our flaccid tongue
With our fingers we easily cast into hell
And the melody has truly
never been heard this well.
------------------------------------------> Spawn of thebluemask
6 comments:
Welcome!
And like most poems on this here blog, excellent, but needs editing.
:)
I definitely like the image too.
I never know what he's talkin' about....but I was writing songs about dead cats at 15.
wow, good words my friend.
good words,
Some writerly advice, if i may-- and since you're clearly quite advanced in your word-ery, and quite confident in it, i'm gonna be tough on you.
For me, there are way too many big, five-dollar words here. When i read this, it strikes me as more concerned about making an impression on the reader than it is about writing what's real or honest to them.
In other words, i'd say this piece tries to be cool more than it tries to be real.
now... having said that, this is some pretty advanced writing, and not just for a 15-yr old. you obviously have a solid command of language and its use.
i'd say go back into this and ask yourself what cara calls the "So What?" question. In other words, think about what the real point is, what you really want to say, what your real feeling was, and what you really want the reader to think/feel.
if you had to sum this piece up in 5-10 words, what would they be? "People piss me off?" Or, "there are lots of people out there who don't like to think about stuff?"
It's okay to say those ideas in exactly those kinds of words. Poetry, or song-ery, doesn't have to be full of big, extravagant words. It can, but it's not necessary.
NOW... if that's what you want, then fine. Go for it, and hone it. My experience has been that simple language is usually more effective, though-- people can relate to it more easily, and whatever point you're trying to make is more easily conveyed.
Don't be discouraged by this. If I'm hard on you here, it's b/c you're a good writer and I think you can take it. Keep going. Post more, please.
I agree Wolfie, I'll make sure he reads this
Post a Comment