you hang on the back gate
and demand
I release the dog
wedging the toe of your small shoe
deeper between the boards
she whines
and you shoulder this weight
on the path
where I put my hand in yours
inside the yard
you and I
crouch down
and between wet nose and nuzzles
watch the slugs wriggle
in the mud
piled up beside the garage
you ask me if unicorns live in the city
I wonder if their territory includes us
and the wolves, the coyotes and the pebbles of life
that dot your landscape
looking over at me
with somber brown eyes
you turn this moment to stone
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9 comments:
nice.
further critiques to follow.
reminiscent of W.O. Mitchell, only more magical, nice, nice, nice indeed.
No doubt, moving really.
I was reviewing this in my mind today and thinking on how I could improve. any revision ideas yet?
:)
yep. a few of those lines seem too long and the ideas kind of get lost. i'd cut the last line, first stanza, in half-- "wedging" starts a new line.
don't give "and" a whole line. how about "and demand that"? maybe?
not sure about the "I scrape" stanza. Something about the second line doesn't work for me. Maybe drop "fragrant"-- too many senses/sights/smells and in this case, it doesn't add much.
the last two stanzas are money, imo. except that the "somber" (ignoring the american spelling) could use another adjective. somber brown eyes? deep somber eyes. somber round eyes? i dunno.
thanks
:)
hmmm,
when I read this I felt like every once in a while I was moved into a different place, like in the mud, on the fence, in the city, like the poem was pushing me around or into a place and then giving me somthing to feel or know. I wonder if this could be emphasized, like at the beginning of each break, making a more conscious effort to place the person in a space. It reminds me of a film technique. You have a character that is always running out of the screen, or being followed, or each scene stays in one frame that never moves and everything happens within that space, characters might move in and out, but it never moves. There's a strength in that, which I get a wiff of in this poem. Try it, I dare you!
cool. nice "remix".
i'm not sure about "back" in the first line, though i get why it's necessary. maybe "back" or "backyard" could be in the title. the first line flows much more smoothly without it, yeah?
i'd go with "tiny" rather than small. small is too... bland.
every word has to count, yeah?
only 10-12 more edits. then do some push-ups, drink a quick shot, and get back to me. :)
i think this poem is durn good, btw.
okay, Wolfie, I will take your suggestions, do some push ups and get back to you.
James, don't dare me now I have to do it.
More to come.
thanks too.
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