those nights
of summer's dog days
are now gone
when we sat
in our sin
and watched the world go by.
and in those moments
of Maryland’s incandescence
and the shimmer of skin
glances told more than
feverish tounges
dipped in beer and gin.
Relinquishing their
flames
to paint the air
with the smoke of laughter
and howling refrains
in that quiet violet
between the pavement and the sky.
14 comments:
HA!
from, like, the first five words, w/out having to even look, i was like: "this is cara".
nicely done, old sport.
cousin's patio, summer,
in all its disgusting
firmaments
and permutations
of ridiculous glory.
maybe it's b/c it's 4 in the morning (end of december... hee hee), and i'm still "in my sin",
but gggggeeeeezzzzzz...
is this poem ever good.
those last several lines?
shit, man. frick. good stuff.
o,
now, 20 mins later, i have a whole whackload of changes to suggest, if i may.
but it's still awesome. :)
I like "quiet violet".
If Windsor and Newton had thought of it...or Crayola...
Anyone ever heard that story where the colours are characters and they each have their own personality?
Super.
stellar stuff cara.
hey macro, are you talking about synasthesia?
wolfie. I always love to hear your edits. lay it on me.
No, but that is an interesting concept (synasthesia). I once had a prof tell me I shouldn't talk about that, because it made me sound crazy (hehe, I corrected him "craziER"). Just talking about colour (quiet violet) reminded me of a story. It was something like:
Green was easy going, cool, and relaxed. his friend red on the otherhand was a loud attention seeker. One day they went to meet yellow, and on the road they met brown, who asked if he could tag along...
(That's not how it goes, but something like that, and I just remember liking it for some reason, PS, I would like to paint the air, not all of it, as I'm partial to blue, but a little bit).
in all of my memory, this is the first time someone has ever written a poem about me... even though i guess it's not ONLY about me, but still...
thanks dude. this made my day.
AND it still could use some edits. :)
verification word: wrqyeth
ok... couple o' suggestions, if i may...
i'm not crazy about the rhymes. i find 'em distracting. rather than quiet violet, for e.g., i'd suggest breaking it up-- which i think gives it a stronger effect. for e.g. quiet (strip of, band of, realm of, world of, bit of, empty, dream of, rooftops... whatever) of violet.
last line? pure f'in gold. pavement and sky. what a great contrast. that's why i think breaking up quiet/violet works-- it strengthens the contrast, then sense of it being between two things, or a sort of nether zone.
Maryland and incandescence? Two too-long words in a row, and the power of the line gets lost a little. How about "maryland's brief incandecscence..."? Or something that highlights that A: it's temporary (but don't use temporary, b/c it's also too long) and that B: it's the street itself, the neighbourhood, that glows. how about "sad"? Or "quick summertime burst of"? Yeah, those suck, but you get my point.
not sure i like "feverish". can't think of what to replace it w/, though. "Fiery"?
crikey, this is good. have i mentioned that?
verification: mubgaew. put THAT in yr damn poem.
how about "seam of violet"?
duly noted.
thanks wolfboy.
:)
(don't you dare change it to "seam of violet", hehe)
what'a a girl to do?
:)
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