It's my 29th birthday today.
Lately montreal has been getting me down. I appreciate its beauty but on a very superficial and jaded way.
I biked through the plateau in back lanes today, discovering that many montreal back lanes are just in fact small leafy residential avenues.
As I approached the end of this particular path I was riding upon, I stumbled upon a shrine to the virgin Mary. A sculpture of her divine maternal self lounging in this backlane. Her regal face was illuminated by the crisp September sun and her robes fell to her feet in such softness I felt it could have been made of silk or angora (so she wouldn't be cold).
Her gaze was still amidst the graffiti on brick walls behind her and there were petunias planted at her feet.
But it didn't inspire awe in me. Nothing inspires awe in me these days.
It's as if I'm seeing a re-run episode of all the new events in my life. My current experiences don't provoke any extreme emotions no matter how beautiful they may be.
Sometimes it seems to me that cities are this gargantuous monster that eats up trees and rocks and just pukes out disorganized puddles of derelict housings and shops.
But I have to say, whatever is the nature of the Montreal monster, it is in no way comparable to the Toronto monster. Therein exists the drone of smog and traffic, accepted grime and dust, which are all part of its delinquent charm.
It all doesn't really matter to me because im 29 and free. The world is supposedly at my disposal. And yet I'm uttering the words that I never thought would cross my lips.."I might move to Toronto".
Does Mary live there too?
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it's interesting that you mention Mary. she does live in T.O. and has many incarnations.
Also, when I first moved to T.O. last month, i'd walk by Our Lady of Perpetual Help Catholic church on my way to the subway station. A lilliputian Madonna greeted me daily, standing on the church lawn, arms outstretched; she filled me with hope somehow.
I find that as I have passed through the years of my life, my sense of awe too has diminished. Perhaps something must be new to us (and thus, somewhat unknown) to inspire awe. But I find that after one has moved away from that which has become old, we can look at it again and find awe once more.
There is a buddhist parable: Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.
The point may be slightly different, but I think it applies here too. It is the phase in between, unenlightened but searching for enlightenment, that brings the most confusion and uncertainty. In other words, it is in the seeking after, that we are lost.
happy birthday!
Great writing here. It feels like I've just been privy to part of an autobiographical novel of sorts. Awe inspiring words, well thought out.
Mary lives inside of everything.
I had this heavy moment when I was still in Montreal: As a kid I day dreamt a lot. Well, honestly, as an adult I still day dream a lot. I think often think of all the possible wonders of the world and the universe still left undiscovered. I like to think of that moment, when there is a monumental discovery and it shifts all life around it and the course of all life to come thereafter; those cataclysmic moments in time. Though, in reality, they generally take place over long expanses of time – rather than instantly (the internet for example). Our short life-span, I feel, often limit our perception to the more immediate – but that’s another story.
Anyways…
I used to think of outer space this way when I was a kid. I frequently imagined space exploration, colonies on the moon, personal spaceships, and being able to warp through the galaxy and discover all sorts of new people and places.
Then, not long ago, I had this sinking feeling. The feeling was one in which I realized that there will be certain things of my imagination, dreams - that I will never see come to pass. Like, as a child the future seemed infinite and the opportunity for discovery with it. Yet now, I've reached this point where I've admitted the finite duration of my own existence and what that means in regards to experiencing those things that I so fondly dreamed of as a kid. Sort of a melancholy thought really. You piece reminded me of that moment. Good writing.
Word verification: uwnpicwx
ps: Happy Birthday.
Gah! I hate when I re-read a post and find spelling mistakes! =P
douglas coupland talks about realizing at a certain age that you will never be a rock star, or not even a dentist.
he also talks about memory being like a cup that, once you've filled it up, you can only just add to an already full cup.
that means, he says, that you could be naked doing drugs with the british royalty on a crashing jet liner and it wouldn't be as memorable as the time in grade 12 when you got drunk and threw the neighbour's lawn furniture into their pool.
i think there's still wonder to be found in every moment, or most of 'em.
just give 'er. or don't. i dunno.
Yes, I remember back when I lost all hope. It was a dark and sad time.
Happy Birthday!
Not to worry, that moment of hopelessness only lasted about 20 minutes. Can't be sunshine and lollipops all the time.
Thanks for the birthday wishes!
I think Bertolt Brecht says something like
"I oscillate between hope and despair".
hey anita! i've been thinking about it and i think i have a solution for you to try just in case you experience another bout of awelessness. when i visited ben wah in montreal this spring we went camping up in the laurentians - if you can find a vehicle and a tent you're pretty much set - mont tremblant provincial park. it's not very expensive. go with somebody who knows how to be quiet... go check out the water, go up one of the super fancy groomed trails that take you up to crazy beautiful vantage points way up on the mini-mountains. when i was there i saw a giant rabbit, a fox, a golden eagle, etc etc. just one night will do it! your sense of wonder will surely be restored. try it out if you can! xo
Rage.
that's a good point! if the nature walk is a little too soft and new age for you, there's always going on a destructive rampage... smashing a bunch of useless specimens of materialism with a baseball bat might be more cost-effective and it would probably also make you feel all trippy...
LOL!
que.
But, i wonder if rage can be constructive?
To be honest i find i do some of my best construction and clear headed work when i rage...anger lifts the fog sometimes.
I applied to grad school in a fit if anger...it worked out.
:)
While I know that you definitively understand my statement Cara, rage to me is not anger.
It is intensity, just plough through, put your head down, grin it, bear it, feel and be lucky to exist in the blessing.
My sister told me the other day that I shouldn't use rage to describe that, but hey, it fits for me.
weird that you pointed that out, because i just realized that
I must have deleted the sentence..."and i know that CQ does not equate anger and rage but.." from the post above accidentally. (honest, i was suprised to read your first sentence...)
I do sometimes use them interchangeably, however that is not the Quinonezian usage.
That being said, I do believe that anger can lift the fog (for me),
Someone once explained anger as a high energy emotion and sadness as a low energy emotion. Sometimes, in order to get out of a heavy, slow solid sadness i need to sublimate to the fast moving anger gas...
not saying that is healthy...
Pedal to the metal Cara.
=P
I <3 the term Quinonezian!
hey que why,
I like both of your suggestions and am wondering if I can do both simultaneously without looking like a crazy person.
Probably not. but in fact I am going camping in Maine in a few weeks.
Better plan for me: I will smash/burn all of my useless materialistic objects and then commune with nature afterwards.
Maybe that will coax the fucking stubborn awe out of me. haha
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