Let yourself in
to a sailing ship
it will take you nowhere
but you just need to get up on it
The ship smells like
fresh sandalwood trees
because
that's what it's made of
The sheets smell like
sweet cotton threads
because
that's what it's made of
Close your eyes
(pretty small one)
and just listen to the sway
of the heavy waves breaking
over the edges
of your eyelids
Now is not the time
to be thinking about
what you've gotta do
or who has you on their mind
So just sleep, sleep
sweet pretty slumber
It will give you all the answers you need
but you'll only
get them
tomorrow
Sleep sleep
(sweet sleep)
just for this moment
be warm
and don't listen to
the cars crashing around you
And yes
there are people
yelling and screaming on the street
but they're not screaming about you
I'm sure
I am sure.
They aren't on this ship
They aren't on this road
They aren't in this room
or in this protected abode
So jut sleep
(sweet sleep)
sweet divine slumber
they are not on this trip
they are not on this ship
So just sleep
(sweet sleep)
sweet divine slumber
they are not on this trip
they are not on this ship
So just sleep.
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16 comments:
This came out of my experiences in child protection services and the vast majority of my friends who say they have trouble sleeping. I'm getting tired of positive feedback, dont worry constructive criticism which wont piss me off that much (I'd like it). Just saying, don't placate me too much.
And..I hope you are all sleeping.
I just woke up.
And it starts slow, but builds, the repetition is effective.
I cut and pasted this into a word document to add some criticism. One of the hardest things I ever had to experience was my first year in University when I had people other than my friends and family read my writing. Boy, were those people harsh. But you learn so much from real criticism that once you get past the sting, you really learn to appreciate (even crave) it. So here goes. I’ll try my best.
Let yourself in
to a sailing ship
it will take you nowhere
but you just need to get up on it
(I like your opening a lot. It sets a great tone and kind of reminds me of a Jack White lullaby – like that remake “We are gonna be friends”. I also really like the off-cadence of the last line – I forget what the word for that technique is. I think though, that you don’t fully follow through with the quirkiness of the opening in the rest of your stanzas.)
The ship smells like
fresh sandalwood trees
because
that's what it's made of
The sheets smell like
sweet cotton threads
because
that's what it's made of
(I’d just change the “it’s” here to “they’re”.)
Close your eyes
(pretty small one)
and just listen to the sway
of the heavy waves breaking
over the edges
of your eyelids
(You use the parentheses in a couple of places in this poem. I’m not totally sure what they signify. Usually a change of font or the use of brackets indicates a shift in speaker, speaker’s voice or something like that. Do these represent the thoughts of the person reading? If so, I’d ask why they merit the designation from the rest of the poem because they seem like they could easily fit right in without having that special attention drawn to them.)
Now is not the time
to be thinking about
what you've gotta do
or who has you on their mind
(The use of “gotta” here is awkward. So is the whole flow of the last two lines. I feel that this stanza is a little weak and could use something more. It comes across sort of like filler or an idea not fully developed; especially because this portion of the poem, leading into the next stanza, is sort of a shift. Maybe try to reevaluate what you’re trying to say here and what the significance is to the rest of the piece.)
So just sleep, sleep
sweet pretty slumber
It will give you all the answers you need
but you'll only
get them
tomorrow
Sleep sleep
(sweet sleep)
just for this moment
be warm
and don't listen to
the cars crashing around you
And yes
there are people
yelling and screaming on the street
but they're not screaming about you
I'm sure
(The four stanzas leading up to here are out of place. The poem up to this point has a very surreal, dreamy quality to it. Then all of the sudden here we’re hearing “crashing cars”, “screaming people” and given the vague “street” as a location. I’m not suggesting that this can’t work in the context of the poem, but it sticks out written as is. I think that if these stanzas are to fit in, the poem has to identify some of these “real word” qualities earlier i.e. a definite location (give a street name maybe?)or something like that. It feels like this is a lullaby to soothe a child in danger or emotionally wounded by the “real” world. If that’s the case, I think you have to identify the “real” world or the context of the “real” world situation earlier – even if you’re just alluding to it in a few words. This could be something you could do using the parentheses I mentioned earlier.)
I am sure.
They aren't on this ship
They aren't on this road
They aren't in this room
or in this protected abode
So jut sleep
(sweet sleep)
sweet divine slumber
they are not on this trip
they are not on this ship
So just sleep
(sweet sleep)
sweet divine slumber
they are not on this trip
they are not on this ship
So just sleep.
(The ending is very good. Here you revert back to the fantasy, dreamy feel and it sounds very nice. But, I think you need to change the use of the words “road” and “room”. Again, I say this mostly because the location you’ve given the reader is inside the dreamy, surreal “ship”. So when I read those words I’m suddenly lost. The word “road’ first makes me envision a big sailboat on wheels on the hi-way – and I think that goes against the feel of the rest of the piece. Like I said above, these words might fit better if the location, speaker or context was identified earlier on in the poem. Otherwise it seems like a haphazard shifting back and forth between two locations that are never fully realized for the reader. As a final little tip that I got from a professor once; I’d suggest you should try, whenever possible, to steer away from identifying people as “them”, “their”, “we”, etc unless you’ve explicitly named them somewhere else in the poem. The reason being that these words loose impact because “we”, “them” and “their” will be different for each individual reader. Thus, they make the rest of the piece, no matter how tight, seem vague. A trick to doing this, if you don’t want to identify people in the poem, is to title your piece after a certain individual. Nice work though. I like your poems quite a bit.)
-Dan
Wow, that's some serious crit.
And I completely agree about craving it.
When I first started submitting papers for publication i would rage at reviewers, but after the very first one, it was very clear to me that they had improved my work substantially.
After the first 3 or 4, I then fancied criticism, as I knew it would help me make my point better, and it was just darned fun to convince reviewers about my ideas, and sometimes even with their very own words!
The mental coil of wills, gotta love it.
haha, thanks Dan!
wow.
that critique shows a great respect and care for the poet, poem and the writing on this blog in general.
critique can be scary, absolutely, but it also shows that someone is engaged in what you are doing.
It also sure beats having no comments at all.
I don't know about this one, but tell you what, I'll sleep on it and get back to you.
That critique was awesome Dan, just what I needed. I definitely would not be able to do that in such a diplomatic, intelligent way. Is that what degrees are for? I've forgotten how to use mine. Sure can't eat it.
I don't know why I use parentheses so much, I'll think about that some more.
word verification: COMPRE
i like your writing. i'm not a fan of metre and rhyme, though... unless it's in a song.
something for me about writing that's written for the "page" like this, and i feel that rhyme and metre distract me, b/c instead of thinking about the meaning i'm waiting for the next rhyme.
but that's not to say you shouldn't write like this.
it's just a personal preference.
you're a good writer, though. and publishing stuff and opening it up for/inviting crits is brave, and the only way to grow, i think.
compre.
Hahaha! My degree seems doomed to remain 3 elective credits short of completion. 3 elective credits! I mean, these could be credits in "Pool Maintenance" for all they care. I've become so jaded at the cash-grab-red-tape fiasco that is University I think I'm actually subconsciously boycotting going back for those 3 damn credits out of spite! =P
word verification: troole
Don't be stupid, finish it.
Word verification:
gafferto
When is our next group poetry exercise?
yes we need another one of those!
lauren says we should do a poetry group exercise on different word verifications. This one is: moinch
As in, I like to "moinch" around?
and...metre and rhyme have a purpose, if its musical.
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